my last few breaths

I'm fighting with every breath in me not to huff..i even took the can and put it way up high on a shelf. Its hard but i have to do it. I haven't for 2 days now.I'm not sure how long i can keep doing this...I stay off of it for like 2 months at best and then im right back to it again. Its so hard.
The cutting well yeah i cut but a lil cut here and there is no where near as damaging as huffing so my focus is not on the cuts but on the huffing.
Trying to stay off of it.
I have so many thoughts going on in my mind I'm beginning to forget things big chunks of time is gone.
LMAO and i have to go to the Doctors and counselors tomorrow and I doubt i will mention this. its really hard to focus on what i need to do but im trying to very hard.
I went to the store tonight cuz i thought i didn't have enough food..there is plenty of food here but still i had to go..and then i started to feel like the food at the store wasn't good enough...ugh everything low fat is high in carbs..grr!!! WTF! is wrong with me!
But i did manage to get like 1 lean cuisine meal that kinda met me halfway. and i bought some Ezekiel bread...Cinnamon and Raisin yummy! oh and i bought a bottle of Childrens One a day vitamins for austin and Tre some Cold and Cough medicine cuz he has been sick for like 2 weeks but every time i ask him about going to the doctor he says BUT I CAN'T MISS SCHOOL...so i figure if he is well enough to care about school then he is "OK" then..i just worry cuz both his teachers has been out sick all week with the Flu. I may just make him an appointment sometime next week and get him out early from school.

Thats not the only thing going through my head and what is happening to me everyday i mean the thoughts, the visions, the voices its all become rather overwhelming.
I want to just give up...but i'm trying to stay strong for those who love me and need me but its so hard...i wonder when that love from them won't be enough anymore?

gosh my mom is such a baby..she hates to be left alone in the other part of the house..since my dad has left I have had to spend more time with her and Do my share and my dad's share of the chores. Still my room or the boys room is suffering even more because of it....ugh!!!!
I cant stand this crap anymore..

I think my weight loss has platued..I might have to step it up a bit if i havent droped anymore on the scale by tomorrow.