Drinking the pain away

Well I'm going tonight to a party at a friends house. I'm going to get drunk. Thats all that I can think about at this point in time. Getting drunk. I want to soo badly I feel so tense so friggen trapped so it will be a nice change to get 'away' from my surroundings and get drunk somewhere. Yeah. Very nice change. A change of pace from the usual mundane saturdays. ugh.
yeah i need it. Its going to be great! yup. Great! after tonight the next time i'll prob. be drunk won't be until halloween. you see I dont drink often but when i do i do....yeah buddy!!!
LMAO
thats why I 'dont have a problem' because times are so few and far between between drinkin' episodes! Sure. I use to have a problem there was a time period where I drank every single day but living with my parents sorta keeps me in-line. hell i have already gotten shit from my dad about drinking.
I yelled at him.."MY GOD" and then he friggen flipped out cuz i mentioned liquor and God in the same sentence. WTH!
Ohkay...yeah my dad is like a preacher dude. Its so hard living MY life in THIS house with a preacher dude as a father. WOW! he is soo "worried" about me. I wish people didnt "worry" ugh.
I just feel so trapped by my family. LIke they wanna keep me "DOWN"
i wanna run away so friggen bad but I know they would "CATCH" me and try to charge me with like child abandonment or something and then my dad might get another heart attack like he did the last time i ran away and if he dies then I couldn't live with that guilt. cuz while i do wanna just RUN OFF. I do care about my parents even though living with them is super hard. BUt they can't afford to live here in this house with these bills without me. SO i feel trapped. ugh. I feel as if i can't leave.
I should have killed myself a long time ago. none of this would of happened.
YEah i should have but somehow i'm still alive ...WHY!? LMAO
WHY am i still here!?
i wanna start druggin' again.....so bad....
fighting the urge.....
fighting it with all my might.....
but why am i fighting so hard? WHY MUST I? why can't i just give in? WHY!?
too many people cares about me. I try hard to push away without hurting people but its impossible.
I'm not taking on anymore friends. What I have is what i have. LMAO i dont need anymore people to "WORRY" about me. PRobably why i wont' give S.C. from Youtube my phone number even tho. she keeps asking me for it. Probably why i wont get closer friends with E.B. either cuz well I dont need people to "WORRY" about me.
ugh. I wish sometimes like hell.....no one cared then if i did something it wouldnt matter cuz i wouldnt matter to anyone.