late night blunders

Last night I impulsively did something stupid in hopes that it would kill me. Not really suicide just impulsive blunder that I had hoped for just a minute would end in death....WHY do I do such things to myself?
I realized the impact of what I had done when I looked on my wall at my kids' artwork. It would certainly rock them to the very core. They would spend a lifetime in therapy thinking it was their fault somehow. Or then maybe they would grow to *hate* me as mother. I wish nothing but the best for my kids. So im here to "stick around" to watch them grow. How selfish have I been lately?
I just wish I could completely get out of this funk. Right now, I know I do NOT want to kill myself...but still....all i want to do is sleep my life away.