a phony Front to hide the Friggen pain from the world

Well yes..I know I have been putting this "mask of smiles" on my face and telling everyone including myself that I am happy. A friend (sorta...just online) in Maine said that I need to smile more so I said yeah I do. So I forced myself to think I was happy. And I "seemed" okay for awhile anyway but deep deep down there is still that pit of darkness. I pretend I can see but really I'm just fumbling in the dark. I make it look good because I'm so use to my surroundings here in this pit. Its a place I'm use too a place I have hung my pictures on the wall and got comfy to stay in. A Pit that almost feels like HOME but its not really right and I know this. OH do i know this. WHY do i continue to tell people I'm okay or Fine when I am clearly not!?
I dont want to get into a long drawn out conversation of WHY i am the way I am the only one person I feel at ease talking about my problems to is my Best Friend from canada.But even that I TRY to set limitations and I dont spew everything at once or at least I try to. She has her own problems and I dont need to be dumping on anyone esp. my friends There is not enough of money in this world to pay anyone for my issues. They are too great for anyone person at any one time. I feel like I'm using her for my therapy because I refuse to seek out my own therapy.
I haven't huffed in what seems like forever although it was very tempting earlier this morning before I went to bed.Anytime I start talking about the abuse from my childhood I want to huff but the reason I share is two parts...to let my friend know that she is not alone in this and to release the emotions i have been botteling up and keeping primarly to myself as usual.
Cutting? still doing that...I cut on my arm where everyone can see last night luckliy I caught myself before it ended up no more then a small scratch. I cut deep last night on my leg too. LOL. The pain was awesome the site of blood was awesome. It was just awesome for like the rest of the phone conversation last night/early this morning I was geniuinly happy after I did that. I think I even laughed for a bit. Making a special video for a friend was also pleasing. I had acomplished something in the time length I wanted to finish it in. Which rarely happens with my bipolar issues.
I still need to stop cutting. I want to get together with one of my "friends with benefits" soon I feel the urge lmao. Now, Granted I dont do that very often anymore mostly I just can't find the time away from home and the kids but I still do it a handful of times a year. I can't help it. I do love sex. That part of me I can hide it away for awhile but that part of me never changes I dont care how much "religion" i may have or don't have at any given time. I have asked God to deliver me from it before but it never lasts no matter what. SO, I stopped fighting it at least to some degree. I am much better then before. I'd use to sleep with perfect strangers like I had previously mentioned before.
I'd get on AOL and start random chats with random guys and have them come to my house and we would have sex and then after they were done they would leave never to hear from them again. Heck I barely knew first names. in some instances I only knew there "AOL USERNAME" I was a real friggen slut I guess. I still am at least to some degree. I flaunted what little I have going for me. LMAO. ALL the guys claim I give the best BJ'S (BLOWJOBS) and that im GREAT in bed (despite my obvious unattractivness) LMAO.
So anyway Like i was saying before I don't do that perfect strangers thing anymore. I have like 3 different "friends with benefits" i alternate between depending on my mood. LMAO
There is the sensitive white guy for those times where you wanna be just a lil romantic. There is the Rough Sex lasting forever, Slap ya around kinda guy, and then there is the black guy who has a 9 inch cock at least!
the one that I mess with the most is the second one I mentioned. For some sick and twisted reason I like it rough. You would think I wouldn't because of past abuse and rape but Oddly enough I like it rough. I like to feel "used" and I like to feel "dirty". This guy wants me to have a 3 way with him and his buddy from work but this buddy is uncut and oddly enough I never had any kind of relation with an uncircumsised fella. We are suppose to synch our schedules and come up with a date and time. lmao as long as its not so open and out in public like the last sex marathon with this guy was. Phew we came close to getting caught. It was in broad daylight at a lake access. I was completly naked outside of his car against the hood. ANyone could of seen us. Just that fact alone was friggen awesome. I know again im sick and twisted.
That just goes to show you how evil and nasty I really am.