Its been awhile

Sorry I haven't been here lately up until a few weeks okay everything was "fine" thats until my oldest son went to live with his dad 2 states away about 9 hours. Now im anxiety ridden...depressed some days I can't get out of bed. I can't sleep. Its awful. I have gone back to Cutting again. Sometimes up to 3 to 5 times a day. Today only once because I used a "rubber braclet" to snap on my wrist but now its practically broken so who knows what I will be doing tomorrow or how much I will retort to Cutting.
It feels so good to cut...this energy of electricity runs up and down my whole body. It feels like heaven for the time that I'm cutting..then the pain kicks in..the Wonderful pain...and I sit there and all im worried about is that pain. Every other thought or worry leaves my mind until the urge is so strong i have to do it again. IF and when I try to fight that feeling of cutting the only thoughts that fill my mind is suicide or dying. Ways to die. What I can do to make myself leave this world in a hurry. Really soon.
I'm not alone though I have a great friend who lives in Canada. She helps keep me sane. If it wasnt for her I'm sure I'd be dead by now. Not even my own family can will me out of this dark hole that I have found myself pushed into.

A part of me wants to die and the other part wants to fight but that fighting part is getting ever so smaller and I wonder how long I can go on and keep my promises to live. How much longer can I keep up this fight. The weight is so great now. The pressure insurmountable.
I feel like running away or dying!! Which one shall I choose?