ADDICTED to TG

Its almost 8 am and normally on thursday's id be at my son's weekly appointment with the pyschologist at his behavioral school but not this thursday. I called in said i wasn't feeling well and to send a bus for "BUBBA" (because its not normal for them to come for him on thursday) WHY!? Well true i have been having mild bouts of diarreha ever since the other night i aparently huffed BUT also because that same night i took a blade to my wrist and there is no way of covering it up. THe pyschologist "DR.A" is very very observant and can read people all too well and that and the fact that she is super easy to talk too makes me worry that She is gonna notice. I'm afraid of losing my boys. Thats why I don't want to go to the hospital. People (family mostly) has told me if I go there again they might take my boys away. Because I have already been twice. That would make it a third time.
I'm so scared. I dont want that to happen. I'm trying to not think about my problems i really am. a thought crossed my mind that I could maybe find employment at the post office something"behind the scenes" maybe. i cant deal with public.

I love my candian sis so much. SO VERY much. Its the only thing right now keeping me alive. I just dont know how much longer that its gonna last. I wish i could meet her then maybe id be more happy. Maybe she'd be more happy. I want to hug her and never let go. She is so very important to my life. Its scary because I have never trusted anyone so much in so very very long. and also scary because i tend to push those i love the most away. I have already tried to do this a few times. HELL I fucking cussed her out yesterday. WTH. she is always asking me to call her names but its so hard cuz i cant do that to my friend that i love so much but i get in a mood sometimes where i really should just be alone but at the same time the things i want to do while alone is enough to scare the shit out of me.

I'm worried. I'm so fuckin worried. I feel this weight on my shoulders that somehow my life would negativly effect hers if i die. but at the same time if she dies then id die too....ugh. its like this mad cycle spinning out of control. I figure we either gonna bring each other up or bring each other down. ALL I know is at this point I can not LIVE without her in my life. Even if she was to say we arent friends anymore that would hurt too much to keep living. I need her...im so addicted to her..she is my drug....add my friend to the long growing list of addictions she is right under my internet addiction and before food. lol..so it goes like this:

1)internet
2)my friend
3)food
4)cutting
5)not sleeping
6)huffing
7)drinking


yeah somethin like that. LMAO